Never, Ever, Make an Empath Mad
by Jaspers-Darlin-Girl
Summary: Jasper wants to write a song for Alices b'day, but when Emmett finds out that Jasper is songwriting, he, Edward and Rosalie tease him about being gay. Way.Too.Much. Now they have to learn a lesson. Never, Ever, make an Empath Mad...
1. Handbags?

**A/N: Hey guys. Let me start by saying thanks for reading this! This is my first attempt at writing a fan fiction, so pretty please read and review! Flames are welcome, I need all the help I can get with my writing. This first chapter is in Jaspers Point of View.**

I was sitting in mine and Alice's room, strumming my guitar and singing softly. It was Alice's birthday next week, and I was trying to write a song for her. Key word, _trying_. I never thought I would see the day when I found something a vampire cant do, but it has arrived.

My door was flung open and Emmett bounded into the room, a massive grin on his face as he flopped down on the massive king sized bed I was currently sitting on.

"Jazz hands! Watcha up to?" He asked.

"Just writing a song for Alice," A small smile spread across my face as I thought of my gorgeous pixie, who was at Bella's house with Edward. He laughed at the expression on my face, then waves of amusement starting radiating of him as he looked at me, grinning.

"What?" I said defensively.

"Jazz, my man, do you realise how gay you sounded just then?" He asked, holding back laughter. I frowned at him, confused.

"Oh, don't mind me. Im just writing a song before I go and have a tea party with all of my fairy friends," He mocked in a ridiculously high voice.

I ignored him and read over the lyrics I had worked out so far. He noticed where my attention was drawn to and grinned evilly as he snatched the paper from my grasp.

"Hey!" I protested.

"I have never felt these feelings that I have for you, they are so true.." He read, an unimpressed look on his face. He just stared at me for a minute, then dropped the paper at my feet before running downstairs.

"Guys, can everybody come down here please? I have an announcement to make," He called. I slowly walked down the stairs, looking at his sly face. He noticed me staring and looked away as the others, minus Alice, Edward and Bella, joined us.

"Everyone, I think I have made an important discovery. Now, no one is to get angry at Jasper, he cant help his feelings. But, I, being the so smart genius that I am, have worked something out that all of you failed to even consider. Jasper, would you come and stand next to me, please?" I made my way over to him, never taking my eyes off his face as I stop just in front of him.

Suddenly, I realise where he is going with this and alarm crosses my features as I try to stop him. But I'm too late.

"Jasper Whitlock Hale is gay!" He blurted out. I slapped my hand to my head as everyone tried to stifle their amusement. That really was a wasted effort, have they forgotten I'm an empath?

"Emmett, this is a massive accusation. Have you got any proof?" Carlisle asked him seriously. Psh, who do you think you are fooling Carlisle, I _am_ an empath.

"Yes! He was writing a song!" He told them earnestly. Rosalie raised her eyebrows at me.

"Wow Jasper! How long has this been going on?" She asked, just to annoy me. My being uncomfortable made her amusement grow.

"Don't tell me you are going along with this too Rosalie," I groaned. She simply grinned.

"Who's the lucky guy?" Edward asked, walking in with a smile on his face.

"Edward! Where's Alice?" I asked him, straining to see my beautiful wife.

"She's staying over at Bella's tonight," He told me, a smirk growing on his face as read my horrified thoughts. If she wasn't here, this could go on all night!

"So Edward, have you been filed in with the conversation?" Rosalie asked him, her smirk growing more pronounced every second.

"Yes, I believe I've got most it," He reassured her, and relief filled me as I realised we wouldn't have to go through the story again.

"I'm going to go upstairs, kids. Call if you need anything," Carlisle said, then headed up the stairs.

"Your on your own, sweetie," Esme told me, smiling softly as she followed Carlisle upstairs.

Great.

"Now Jasper, we want you to know that we don't think any less of you now that we know that you're gay. Hell, we may even understand you better!" Emmett reassured me as Rosalie giggled under her breath.

"Hey! What about Alice?" Rosalie demanded, only suddenly remembering the fact that I had a _wife_. She gasped.

"Jasper, have you been using her?!" She accused me, anger over powering her amusement.

"What the hell! I'm not gay!" I yelled. Of course I wouldn't use Alice! She's my one reason for living, my only light, my greatest strength, my-

"Jasper, I'm sorry to interrupt your rambling, but its really getting old." Edward told me, reading my thoughts.

Emmett laughed.

"Jazz! Are you gonna bring him home for dinner or what?" He asked me.

"Who?" Now I'm confused.

"The new man in your life, stupid!"

"For crying out loud, Im not gay, I don't have a new man in my life and I defiantly am not cheating on Alice! And no, before who ask, I do not have any handbags hidden under my bed," I informed them.

"Umm, Jazz?" Rosalie asked.

"What?" I said irritated.

"Well, its just that…Jasper, None of us ever said anything about handbags. You got that part all on your own!" Emmett could barely get his sentence out before he burst into laughter. Then all three of my lovely siblings were cracking up laughing.

Emmett was on the floor, slapping it every so often and sending massive vibrations through the house. Edward kept trying to get off the ground but would take one look at my face and fall in a heap again, and Rosalie, Rosalie was lying in the pile of curtains that she had pulled down with her when she fell to the ground, clutching her sides, laughing so hard I kept waiting for tears to start rolling down her face, although I know its impossible. And me? I stood there, a blank look on my face as I waited for their little episode to end, which I knew it would.

After about 10 minutes they all managed to get off the ground and look into my eyes without falling down again, and I waited until this moment to smile evilly at them. I savoured the feeling as I felt all of their amusement and laughter drain out of them, only to be replaced with fear, fear I had nothing to do with.

"My dear siblings, today you are going to learn a very valuable lesson. Never, ever, make an empath mad."

**So, what did you think? Loved it? Hated it? Any ideas to improve my writing? Let me know whether you think I should continue with this story in a review!**

**Thanks again for reading!**

**Jaspers_Darlin_Girl xoxo**


	2. We're doomed

**A/N: Hey guys, here's chapter 2! I've had 8 people review so far, and though some people might think that 8 is crap, it means the world to me. THANKYOU TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED! Flames are still welcome. This chapter is pretty boring, just telling you what their reactions were and stuff. The good bit comes next! This bit is annoying, but necessary for the storyline. I have a plan for what Jazzy's Revenge will be, but if you have any ideas about what he should do to get back at Edward, Emmett or Rosalie, put them in a review and I'll put it in my story! Anyhoo, on with Chapter 2!**

**Rosalie's POV**

I gulped.

Jasper had a crazed look in his eye, like he was a little kid in a candy shop who just found out he can have whatever he wants. If he would just rub his hands together and give an evil laugh the picture would be complete.

I took a step back and grabbed Emmett's arm. He wouldn't let Jasper hurt me… Okay, who am kidding. If anything, he will be under his bed curled in a ball muttering to himself while I fight for my life.

Well, Jazz is a sweet guy. I don't _think_ he would hurt me…I mean, we're practically twins for crying out loud! Think, Rosalie, think! There's got to be a way to make him give in… I know! I'll give him the puppy dog look! No one in the history of mankind can resist the puppy dog look!

I tilt my head slightly to the side, letting my hair fall over my shoulder. I look down at the ground and then look at him through my lashes, moving my lips into a slight pout as I wait for his reaction.

He smirks at my attempts to woo him.

"Rose, you're _not_ giving me the puppy dog look, are you? The only person who ever falls for that is Emmett, and that's on a _good_ day!"

All of my hope for him to leave me alone flies away and is replaced by the fear again, and I cant tell if it's mine or put there by Jasper. His evil smile grows more pronounced as he too feels my hopefulness disappear.

After all this I've come to a conclusion.

I'm doomed.

**Edward's POV**

I gulped.

I saw Rosalie's eyes widen as she took in Jaspers half mental looking appearance and she involuntary took a step back. I have to admit, Im not really liking the look on his face too much either. It's creepy, unnatural, kinda evil.

Rosalie's fear is irrational, of course. I mean, I've been on Jaspers bad side before, and nothing too horrible has happened. Why should this be any different?

Oh, right. We were teasing him about his sexuality. Jasper is very sensitive on that subject. Apparently Maria used to call him gay all the time.

Of course! Why didn't I think of it before? I'll see what he's planning and make a run for it if it proves to be necessary. Which it won't, of course.

_..._

Damn it! He's reciting Japanese Instructions on how to build an Ark in his head. I then realised how serious he was about this. He _was_ going to get us. And he _was_ going to get us good. He _was_ going to give us a taste of our own medicine, except he was adding poison.

After all this I've come to a conclusion.

We're doomed.

**Emmett's POV:**

I gulped.

Jasper's lookin' kinda creepy right now. I mean, he's got the whole mad, evil, scientist, lab kinda dude thing going on, except instead of a scientist, he's a vampire who going to get revenge on his siblings cause they called him gay. That kinda thing.

Rosalie stepped back and latched onto my arm, like she thought I was going to protect her from Jaspers wrath. But, when it came down to it, there was no denying the fact that I would probably leave her to deal with it herself and I'd go away for a few months and visit the Denali's, or some other coven further away, like…Timbuktu!

I'm overreacting. Geez, I've been on Jazz's hit list a few times, and I doubt that this will be the last. He wouldn't hurt me. Im his favourite brother!

Although, there was that time when I burnt his Civil War Uniform.

_And_ that time when I told the entire school at lunch that he woke me up screaming Alice's name last night.

Or the time when I kept paying him out about the whole "him looking like he's in pain" thing.

Oh, yeah, and that time when I gave him a teddy bear and called it Maria.

He ripped that teddy up.

After all this, I've come to a conclusion.

We're doomed.

Are there any covens in Timbukto???


	3. Magical Flying Fairies

**A/N: Hey Everyone! Sorry its been awhile I've had a major writers block on this chapter, and I've been really busy with family stuff. My Nan just passed away so Ive been mainly focusing on family for the last couple of weeks. Anyway, I'm having a bit of trouble coming up with some REALLY evil revenge for Emmett, Edward, and Rose, so if anyone has ANY ideas, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me! Ill dedicate the chapter to you and everything! Lol, anyway, heres Chapter 3!**

**By the way, this Chapter is dedicated to xDollfacex. You are awesome! Thank you for reviewing, you made me feel so special!**

**Jasper POV**

I smirked at the fear coming of my 3 darling siblings. Evil plots were already beginning to fill my mind, but I started reciting instructions to build an Ark in my head to hide them from Edward, the ever-annoying mind reader.

Just for laughs, I made my face go blank again, then yelled "Boo!" Edward jumped, Rosalie jumped and grabbed Emmett, and Emmett let out a very un-manly squeal and jumped in the air, flapping his arms around like he was trying to take off.

Although I was cracking up inside, I kept my face blank and waited till he stopped jumping around like an idiot before I had all of their eyes on me. I gave them the most evil smile I could muster, and winked at them, before turning and running, vampire speed, out of the front door and away from the Cullen Mansion, which now held 3 gob smacked vampires.

When I was far enough away from the house that I would have my thoughts to myself, I sat down under mine and Alice's tree that she had elegantly carved out initials into, and started thinking. Who should be the lucky vampire that I pull revenge on first? Emmett started this, he's going to get it worse then the others. He needs to be last. Edward or Rose. Hmmm….

Edward.

* * *

I headed to the shops with Emmett's wallet securely in my pocket. I cant believe he really thought the magical flying fairy stole his money. I sat him down years ago and had an hour long conversation with him about how fairies weren't real.

An hour I could of spent with Alice I wasted on him, only to find that he still believes in it! Well, I don't care how much Carlisle begs, I will _not_ be sitting down with him and telling him about Santa Claus next month.

Anyway, once I got my supplies, I ran back to the house and waited until Edward left to go hunting. I knew he would, if Alice was with Bella.

"Edward, Jasper seemed pretty serious about him getting us. Are you really going to go hunting with him on the loose?" Rosalie asked him.

"Rose, I cant believe you actually believed him. Of course he's not going to get us. It's _Jasper_," Edward reassured her.

Oh Eddie boy, you are going _down_.

"Besides, it's getting too dangerous to be around Bella. I haven't hunted in 3 weeks and 4 days. IM not going to let Jasper stop me from keeping Bella safe," He told Rosalie. I could just imagine Rose rolling her eyes at that. She hasn't exactly warmed up to Bella yet.

I waited until Edward yelled goodbye to Emmett and left the house. I had already made sure that there were enough Mountain Lions to keep him occupied for awhile. I need to get Rose and Emmett out of the house. I'm pretty sure Carlisle and Esme wont care, they saw what they were doing to me before.

An idea hit me and I snuck into the house, snickering at Emmett, who was too busy doing the Macarena and singing, no, screaming the lyrics to notice me. Grabbing a pink pen and a piece of paper, I wrote a letter to Emmett in swirly calligraphy that he would think was fairies writing.

Dear Emmett Cullen,

You are invited to the magical flying fairies tea party, tonight at 7:30. Please meet us at the old oak tree in the high school at Seattle that has a ring of silver daises surrounding it. Do not be late or we will not be able to shrink you to fairy size so you fir in the door.

Love.

The Magical Flying Fairies

I laughed as I reread the note. He would definatly fall for it. I placed it on the windowsill for him to find. Now all I need is something to let him know that its there. I turned around and there was a Triangle (You know, the instrument triangle?) and a salt shaker filled with craft glitter sitting there. I smiled. My pixie was _always_ one step ahead of me.

I sprinkled the glitter on the note and gently tapped the triangle 3 times. A melodic sound rang out, a sound that could definatly be mistaken for faires by someone like Emmett.

His excitement grew as he read the note, and he folded it twice and placed it in his pocket.

"Bye, Rose!" He called to her, before running out the door. I shook my head in amusement as I watched him run out. Rosalie came down the stairs, a bemused look on her face as she watched her husband run goofily away from the house. She blinked, then muttered to herself,

"I don't want to know,"

Now for Rosalie. If Alice is looking out for my future, then she should be calling in about 3...2...1...

_Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me!_

Rosalie's annoying ring tone sounded as she pulled her phone from her pocket and flipped it open_._

"Hello?"

"Hey Rose, it's me" My beautiful wife's voice said.

"Alice? Aren't you at Bella's?" Rosalie asked, confused.

"Yes Rose, but that's not the point. There is a _massive_ sale on in Port Angeles, and I have to stay here! Please, Rosalie?" She pleaded.

Rose sighed.

"What do you want?" She asked, resigned. She knew if she argued she wouldn't win.

"Theres this _gorgeous_ purple dress that would look perfect with those shoes I bought yesterday. It goes to the above the knee, and there is a white swirl on the right side. It's Chanel. You'll find it," She reassured her.

"Alright, Alice. I'll go now." Rose told her, grabbing her car keys as she headed for the garage.

"Thank you so much Rose! Oh, and by the way…If you return without my dress, you'll be sorry." She told her, before hanging up. Rosalie gulped, and scrambled into her car, before driving away. My wife can be very scary when she wants to be. My phone vibrated in my pocket. I had a new text from Alice.

_Jazz,_

_You have 2 hours 37 minutes before Emmett comes home, 3 hours 49 minutes before Rosalie, and 4 hours and 6 minutes before Edward gets back. Have fun!_

_By the way, go bright pink for the piano. It's classier, and besides, Pink will have edward dry sobbing on the ground. Puke green like you were thinking will only have him making a Jasper shaped hole in the wall. I don't want that. I'm quite fond of you._

_Alice xoxo_

And _that's_ why I love my wife, people!

I grinned evilly. Let the games begin.

**A/N: Thanks for reading! Please Please please with Jasper on top review! Flames are still welcome! (Except for Rachael. If they are from her there are no flames allowed! Lol) If you have ANY ideas please tell me, I'm really stuck at the moment and if Im stuck that means I cant update! :(**

**Thanks again for reading!**

**Jaspers-Darlin-Girl xoxo**


	4. Pink Piano's and Volkswagon Beetles

**A/N: Hey Guys! I know, I know, its been ages since I last updated, you all hate me, blah blah blah… I know I egt impatient when I'm waiting for other fanfics to be updated, so I totally get what you mean… I just had an operation, and I had to write a speech for my Nan's funeral, so that was hard and time consuming. Remember, any ideas for revenge, tell me! Im open for a suggestion of ANY kind! Anyhoo, heres Chapter 4 for you!**

**By the way, a big thankyou to all of my reviewers, especially xDollfacex, twisagababy, Kevlo, and rachael-cullen222. YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!**

Jaspers POV:

I quickly gathered all of my, er, _supplies _from where I had hidden them under the swing that Edward had made for Bella, and ran back to the house. I put my things into 3 piles, Emmett's, Rosalie's, and Edwards.

I smiled as I thought back to my pixie's note and pushed the puke green paint to Rosalie's pile, where I'm sure I will find something useful for it, and replaced it with the vibrant pink I bought just in case.

Humming a tune to myself, I grabbed the pink paint and a paintbrush and skipped over to the piano. Within 13 seconds, it was bright pink. I grinned evilly as I imagined Eddie boy's reaction.

_Oh no Eddie, no ones gonna save you now._

As I waited for it to dry I collected some glitter and that sticker book I got on sale. Laughing, I sprinkled the glitter over the piano, making sure every section was bedazzled, and grabbed the sticker book.

49 seconds later, Edwards black, glossy piano was Bright pink, sparkly and covered in farm animal and mermaid stickers. Oh, the fun I am having.

I grab a piece of paper and pen and scrawl a quick note to my dear brother.

_**Eddie boy,**_

_**Love the new look for the piano! All you need is a tiara and the pictures complete…That's, well, kinda disturbing..**_

_**Don't worry, Im there for you bro! Unless you start hitting on me. Then you've crossed the line and you're on your own.**_

_**By the way, what happened to your Volvo??**_

_**The Empath.**_

I place the note on top of the piano, walk out to the Volvo and get in. I'm _so _glad right now that Rosalie taught me how to hotwire a car. I have it running in seconds and race off to the car dealers.

As I pull in, I see a bald dude with his pants nearly at his ankles, showing off his boxers nicely. I take a deep breath and try to ignore his somewhat, _disturbing, _emotions. It seems he likes men.

"Hey, hot stuff! Wanna come over and give daddy a taste?" He yells, and I suppress a shudder. It should be illegal for someone his age to say that, let alone to another _guy_.

"Look guy, I just want to trade this in for something, oh, I don't know. A little bit more feminine? Can you do that for me?" I ask, rudely.

"Touchy… Fine, I'll trade you for anything over there," He told me, pointing to the left half of his business.

I walked around a little, trying to find what I was looking for. I was about to give up and go someplace else, when my phone vibrated against my leg.

_Take three steps to your left and one forward, then look left._

_Your Pixie _

_Xoxo_

I grinned at the phone before following her instructions. As I saw what she was trying to show me, I grew more excited and had to keep my emotions in check before I started sending the gay guy waves of excitement.

The reason I was so excited? Because there, right in front of me, was a Pink and Purple Volkswagen Beetle.

* * *

Laughing my head off, I drove into our garage and parked the car in his usual reserved spot. I ran inside, grabbed a pen and paper, and wrote a quick note to him.

_**Oh Eddie Boy,**_

_**We all thought you were gay before you met Bells. I guess you fooled us all, huh?**_

_**By the way, I know now that the only reason you were teasing me about being gay is because you didn't want to admit that you were. Underneath that teasing and bullying, you were hurting and afraid. I am an empath after all!**_

_**Kind regards,**_

_**The Empath.**_

I place the note on the front seat, before shaking my head and laughing at myself. When did I get so funny? But I'm not done yet. There is still some more he has to go through before he has payed.

I run to his room, aware that I am running out of time. Seeing his wallet on his stereo, I grab his license out and laugh manically as I throw it in pocket and start running. Its time to catch up with an old, well, I wouldn't call him a friend. More an old _acquaintance. _

Im going to see .

**A/N: I KNOW IT'S SHORT! WRITING THE NEXT CHAPPIE NOW! WONT BE TOO LONG!**

**BY THE WAY, IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO SEE HOW MANY VISITORS YOU HAVE ON YOUR STORY, CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME IN A REVIEW? IM CLUELESS!**

**Please R&R! Flames are more than welcome!**


	5. Fear is funny

**A/N: GEEZ THAT WAS A FAST UPDATE! HAHA, GUYS SERIOUSLY, PLEASE START SENDING ME SOME REVENGE IDEAS!!! OR EVEN ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR THINGS YOU WOULD LIKE IN MY STORY. I ALSO HAVE SOME NEW STORY IDEAS ON MY PROFILE, CHECK THEM OUT AND TELL IN A REVIEW WHICH ONES YOU THINK I SHOULS TURN INTO STORIES! THANKS GUYS!!!**

Jasper POV:

I pass by Jenk's really annoying security guy, Max, I think his name is. I walk the familiar steps to his office and step in without knocking.

He looks up, annoyed, but then fear crosses his features and he jumps slightly as he sees me. I put on the most murderous look I can manage and shut the door.

"I hope Im not interrupting anything," I say in a voice as steel as nails.

"Oh, no, no, no! I _always _have time for _the _Japer Hale! Why, you are my most important client! My most worthy client! My mos-"

"Please stop talking," I cut him off, rudely. Although I was brought up a gentleman, I have learnt that some relationships are easier based off fear.

"Yes sir," Jenks finished meekly, before shrinking into his seat.

"What can I do for you?" He asks, still not looking in my eyes.

I smirk, as I push more fear and panic into his system than usual. Its fun too see him squirm.

"Look, I need this license changed. You got a pen?"

He stares at me blankly for a second, still in shock, before he jumps and knocks everything over on his desk trying to find a pen. I suppress a laugh, and tone down the emotions I'm giving him just a smidge.

He calms some and manages to find a pen. He looks at me expectantly, like he is waiting for me to give him his next instruction.

"And some paper?" I prompt him. Realisation dawns across his face as he begins hunting down some paper. And just when I thought the man couldn't get any more pathetic. He finds his paper and looks up at me, grinning, like he deserves a gold star or something. So, me being the very evil empath that I am, fill him with fear and smile as the grin fades from his face.

"Alright. Now, make sure you get all this J, Im _not _repeating myself, you got that?" He nods at me so fast I have to wonder if Im gong to have to superglue his head back on. Ah, screw it, if his head comes on Im _so_ not helping him.

"Okay. Name, I want Dracula. Age, lets go with..109. Hair colour…Bright Pink, and gender, hmm, can I get Unknown?" I ponder.

He just stares at me with his mouth hanging open. I stare back at him.

"J, are you mentally incompetent?" I ask him pleasantly.

He shakes his head and seems to come back to reality.

"Umm, No sir. And yes sir, I'll get that license for you now," He assures me, growing more fearful with every word.

"See to it, J. And, can I get the Gender Unknown please?" I ask again, in a slightly nicer tone. Best not give the man a heart attack today.

"Of course sir. Anything for a Cullen," He tells me, than rushes off somewhere to finish my order.

* * *

1 hour later, I sauntered out of there with Edwa-Sorry, I mean _Dracula's, _new license securely in my pocket. After running home, I go and place his license on top of his stereo, exactly where I found it. Running down the stairs I grab my pen and paper again and write a new note.

_**Eddie Boy-Or should I say Dracula?**_

_**You're not fooling anyone, buddy. We all know who you are. Now, will you hurry up and kill the Volturi? I'm so sick of Aro's peacefulness, its not funny.**_

_**Not much more needs to be said with this one, dude. Apart from the fact that, well, Bella, if you're reading this, your not dating the guy you think you are. In fact, he's not a guy at all. He's the most famous vampire in the world! Dude, you need to dump the girl though. She's dating a 109 year old. That's creepy. Unnatural. Somewhat evil.**_

_**Kind Regards,**_

_**The Empath.**_

I attach the note to the license and walked out of the room, satisfied with my efforts. Now, I have just one more thing to do before Edward is complete. I need something he loves more than his license. More than his Volvo. Even more than his piano.

I need Bella.

Yes, that time has come, my friends. It is time to get Miss Bella Swan drunk.


	6. Bella is what?

**A/N: Hey everyone! First of all, I am sooooooo sorry. It has been like, 2 months since I updated! I know, and Im mean, and awful and all that jazz. I had an operation, and I found out that my Nan didn't die from natural causes like they thought, she actually died from my Grandfather beating her up while he was drunk. So, hopefully you can understand why I have been missing in action from Fanfiction.**

**Now, I know this is going to really bother some people, but I have 4 story ideas on my profile. The chapter after this one is written, but Im not uploading it until at least 5 people tell me in a review what they thought of all 4 of my ideas, and which one they want to see the most. Sorry guys, I know its mean, but that's the rules…**

**And now, without further ado, heres Chapter 6!!!**

Jasper POV

As soon as I had that thought, I heard the unmistakeable sound of my wife's Porsche come screaming down our massively long driveway and screech to a stop. Bella is breathing heavily, and I try to calm her before she refuses to take off her seatbelt. She sighs and climbs out of the car. My work here is done.

Alice comes dancing in the door, sending it flying open as she bounces into the room, announcing,

"I had a vision. You need us?"

She walks over and gives me chaste kiss on the lips as Bella makes her way in.

"Umm, Alice? You never mentioned why we are here.." She trailed off, misinterpreting the insane look in my eyes.

"Don't worry, Bella. Im not going to, like, eat you or something!" I reassure her, feeling a pang of guilt from the time I wrecked her life completely…

"Okay, so if Im not here for my life to be ended, would someone please explain?" She questioned, her eyebrows raising to her hairline.

"Well, Bella, Im just gonna give this to you straight. How do you feel about becoming incarbonated to assist me in my vile, heinous, satanic, and somewhat evil plans to achieve revenge over your lover and soul mate, Edward Anthony Mason Cullen?" I ask her.

"Uh…huh?" She has absolutely no idea what I just said. Well, I thought I was speaking English… I repeated what I said in my mind. Nope, definatly English. Hmm.

How odd.

Good job, Eddie boy. You picked the one human who cant understand her own language!

"What Jasper is saying, is, he wants you to get drunk to help him get revenge on Edward. And, then something ,about, Satanic?" Alice translated. I nodded eagerly.

She was shaking her head before Alice finished her sentence.

"No way, Jasper. I am not going to get myself willingly drunk just so you can get revenge on Edward. I don't even drink!" She argued.

Damn. I was hoping she would be nice. Now Im going to have to do this the hard way.

"Please, Bella?" I begged, and I, how does she put it, _dazzled _her. Her breathing and already erratic heartbeat sped up, and I had to hold in a laugh when Alice's amusement came down on my own.

"Im sorry Jasper, but I cant…" She trailed off.

"Alright Bella. I understand." I told her, letting sadness and regret trace into my voice. I turned away from her, shuffling my feet slowly towards the stairs. Then I poured on the guilt. I filled my body with intense sadness, regret and most of all guilt and practically shoved it onto her, hearing her gasp as the emotions came out of nowhere.

"Jasper, did yo-" She inhaled again as I filled her with even more wayward emotions so her mind would be taken off the fact that these weren't actually her feelings.

"Jasper." She called. I turned, keeping my face perfectly masked into one of sadness. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Alice struggling with her laughter. I filled her with calm and waited for Bella to give in.

"Fine." Bella told me, as Alice grinned and jumped up and down clapping her hands.

"Thankyou thankyou thankyou soooo much Bella! It'll be so much fun, you'll see!" Alice kept jumping as I grinned and walked to the bar fridge. I never thought I would be happy that Emmett decided he wanted to see if vampires could get drunk a few weeks ago. Well, we learnt that they indeed, couldn't, and also that when induced by vampires, the vomit turns a rainbow colour. Emmett wanted to keep drinking it, just for the spew.

I made Bella a drink, and handed it to her. As she gulped it down, Alice started chanting.

"Chug, chug, chug!"

After Bella's 4th drink, I could already feel the intoxicated emotions start. **(A/N: I have no idea how many drinks it takes so lets stick with 4. Im only 13 guys! No clue how many drinks you have before you get drunk…)**

After her 6th, she was grinning like a madman.

"Jasper…" She said woozily. This was the first time she had spoken since she has started drinking.

This is going to be a good night.

* * *

Edward POV

I ran home, feeling satisfied after my hunt. I realised that everyone, except for Carlisle and Esme, was home. Wait- everyone? That means Alice and Bella is here…huh? I tuned in to everyone's thoughts to try and get a clue about what is going on.

_Beautiful, dirty, rich, rich. Beaut- _Rosalie, very obviously. Why that song? Does she _hate _me?

_Jasper would look __**great**__ in that shirt I saw next to the place where I bought the thing that goes with the belt that looks awesome with the skirt that I bought at the place that is owned by the brother of the guy who owns the pet shop where I bought the kitten… _Alice. Who else? She is so predictable- wait. Did she just say a _**kitten? **_On second thought, I don't want to know.

Jasper was _still _reciting Japanese instructions on how to build an Ark. Oh, wait! No, he's on to making a cruise ship now. Complete with 3 indoor spa's and everything. Nice.

_Wow, Bella is a hilarious dr-wait! Edward! Oh sugar, umm…IM A BARBIE GIRL IN A BARB- _Emmett is again, so predictable.

As I walk in I hear the sounds of my beautiful Bella inside. She must be quite a riot, from my siblings laughter. I go to enter the room, when my eye catches on something bright pink, and, if Im not mistaken, _sparkling_…

MY PIANO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I let out a bloodcurdling shriek as I stare in disbelief at my beloved piano. It has been BEDAZZLED! The pain and anguish is overwhelming, and I fall to the ground, dry sobbing. My 4 siblings come running to the door to see what has me so distressed. Rosalie, Emmett and Alice burst out with laughter, while Jasper leans against the doorframe and smirks at me. After a few minutes, I am rational enough to stand and glare at Jasper.

"Now come on Edward, lets be civil about this," Jasper told me.

Well, civil my ass.

I go to jump for him, when Alice yells.

"Wait, Edward! Theres a note!" I turn to look at my piano and sure enough, there is a note.

_**Eddie boy,**_

_**Love the new look for the piano! All you need is a tiara and the pictures complete…That's, well, kinda disturbing..**_

_**Don't worry, Im there for you bro! Unless you start hitting on me. Then you've crossed the line and you're on your own.**_

_**By the way, what happened to your Volvo??**_

_**The Empath.**_

As I read the last line, my heart sank. Considering I don't have a heart, this is quite an achievement. I run to the garage with vampire speed and throw the door open, scanning the room for my Volvo. What I see makes me almost begin my heaving and sobbing on the ground again.

My Volvo! Its now a frickin' pink and purple Volkswagen! A _Beetle, _no less!

Now he's gone too far. There is a note on this one as well. I scan over it, past caring as something clicks in my head. Sure, he has gotton revenge, but he knows I can just replace this stuff within 24 hours. There must be something else. I remember that my Bella is in here, and step back into the house and sniff the air.

Just as I think of this, I hear a slurred angels voice call out,

"Edward?" and with that she entered the garage, stumbling towards me. She grins woozily, before wrapping her arms around my shoulder and saying the most embarrassing thing I have ever heard in my life.

"Eddie, I love you so much. Do you know why I love you? Because we both have _massive _boobs! _You_ are the best, Edward, and you have an awesome rack…just like me!" Im lucky Im a vampire, because that sentence was so slurred Im not sure that humans would understand it.

My siblings were literally on the floor, cracking up laughing, and Bella just kept grinning at me and planting big, sloppy kisses on my cheek. Then the enormity of this situation finally hit me.

Bella is **drunk**.

Oh. My. God.

**A/N: There is a nice long chappie for you all to make the long wait a little better. Now, remember the rules! I need at least 5 people to read my 4 story ideas and tell me what they think of them and which the like the most. So, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, and Chapter 7 will be up when I have 5 reviews about story ideas!**

**Jaspers-Darlin-Girl xoxo**


	7. Drunken Days

**A/N: Hi guys…(drops head in shame) I am so so sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am that it has been ages since I updated. It's my fault, and I have no excuse. It's just, life got out of hand, I got busy, and time to write/update went. I am so sorry. Never again will you wait that long! Anyway, assuming anyone is still reading this, I hope you enjoy it.**

**Jaspers POV**

Wow. Bella is a very funny person when she's drunk. Who would of guessed? I mean, she told Edward that he had a awesome rack. In front of everyone! She's so funny, I don't even want to kill her anymore!

Bella giggled at Edwards shocked face.

"Don't deny it, Edward. It's true. What are you, like, Double D's?" At that we all burst out laughing again. He got an angry expression on his face as he looked at his flushed fiancée. She just waggled her eyebrows at him, grinning. I didn't know she could do that! So cool… I have to get her to teach me that…when she's sober, of course. (Duh!)

"I'm hungry. How's about some…." Suddenly she jumped around to face us and pulled some dark sunglasses out of her pocket. She slid them onto her head, poking herself in the eyes. We all stifled a laugh as she blinked furiously, making funny sounds. She got them on her head and jumped again.

"Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches?" She finished, then started skipping towards the kitchen, singing _something_ (Not quite sure, it was non recognisable) at the top of her lungs. Walking towards the fridge, she put her hand on the handle, and looked over at us. With one, very cool, professional nod, she yanked the fridge door open, only to smack herself right in the head.

"OW! Dammit, whats wrong with your fridge? You trained it to hit people in the face?! Bad fridge, bad fridge!" she yelled, smacking it. We all looked at her, astonished, then began laughing again. Edward was still fuming in the corner.

"Edward, come have some fun! This is most probably going to be the funniest night of your life. Just go with it!" I told him, then watched to see what Bella would do next.

After she succeeded with her sandwich, Bella stumbled into the living room and ran towards the chest where we kept random objects we accumulated over the years. She wrenches it open and starts going through it. Suddenly, her face flashes into a wicked grin, as she holds up…

"A TAMBOURINE!" She screamed. "I _love _these thingy's! You know, in my last life I was a professional tambourine?"

"Uh, Bella, don't you mean a professional tambourine _player_?" Rosalie asked. Bella frowned.

"No. I meat what I said, Rosalie. Jeesh."

"Okay then," Rosalie muttered.

Bella then began to play the tambourine. Well, not really play, more like make a horrible noise that resembled a cat being eaten.

"Okay!" Emmett practically sprinted up to her and took it away.

"Lets find something-well, other then _that_-to do, okay?" she nodded, then grinned.

"I got's a surprise for you's," She informed us, than ran to the stairs. She started going up them, but fell. She let out a loud laugh, then got up and looked at us.

"Only me could fall down going UP the stairs!" she giggled. We all burst out laughing again, and Alice followed her up to make she survived. I turned away from Edwards glare and waited for what was going to happen next.

It didn't take long for Alice to come back down. Her face was red from trying to hold back her laughter. Suddenly, we heard a bang.

Bella gave sliding down the staircase railing on her bum, dressed in complete black with a ninja mask on her face. Yes, you heard me right. A _Ninja_ mask. She landed clumsily on her feet and walked towards, like a hunter stalking his prey.

"Donga, Mi fa no Carribeno, fa so lo mi carre, shosa ma follare!" She hissed at us, then bowed with her hands in a praying position. Emmett burst out laughing at her. She walked right up to him and stood on her tip toes.

"No laughing," she hissed at him. Her stepped away, hands up in defeat at he smothered his amusement. She walked up to Rosalie, an angry snarl on her face.

"This is payback for all that time when you were horrible to me! Karma, I tell you, Karma!" She yelled at her and then took her arm. Rose pulled it back. This went on. And on. For a while.

"Rose, can you-can you just work with me here and hold your arm out in front of you?" Bella begged. Rose raised her eyebrows but gave up and held out her arm.

"Thankyou." Bella whispered.

"And now, HII JAHH!" Bella karate chopped Rosalie's arm.

"Ow ow ow!" Bella cried, jumping away from her and clutching her hand. Edward immediately was at her side, checking it out.

"Just bruised, Bella. It's okay." He told her, and she huffed at him as she walked up to Rosalie. Bella stuck her finger into Rose's chest as she glared.

"You monster! You abomination! You-you _abuser_! How dare you? I know what you are. YOU"RE THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE!!!" She screamed.

"Take the power of the church at Christmas time, DEVIL!" Bella shrieked, then started singing at the top of her lungs, (and completely off key, might I add,) "JOY TO THE WOOOOOORLLLD!!!"

We all cringed as Edward ran to Bella.

"Bella, love, would you mind, er-how do I put this, just-stopping that _awful racket_?!" he begged. She turned to him, a brilliant smile on her face.

"Betcha never knew I was a female impersonator, did you Edward?" She grinned, then skipped away, cackling.

"Okay Bella, that's it. You are completely cut off." I told her, smiling.

"What? I swear, I'm not as think as you drunk I am…-Hold up. That came out wrong," Alice walked over to her and gently pushed her towards the lounge, she was swaying on her feet. Bella jumped straight back up though, glaring at us.

"You guys suck. At everything. You even suck at being vampires. You wanna know why? Because _everyone_ know vampires don't sparkle. What are you all, gay?" And with that, Bella sat back down with her arms folded as we all burst out laughing again.

"I'm glad you all find this funny." Edward told us as he walked over to his love. She grumbled but let him help her to her feet as she swayed. She was far past being able to fight him, she was absolutely _smashed_.

"You're going to bed. Just say goodnight Bella," He told her as he lifted her bridal style. She rested her head against his chest as her nose crinkled and she grinned.

"Goodnight Bella!" She yelled, and we all burst out laughing again as she was carried away.

Hmm. What can I say…

Funniest. Frickin. Night. Ever.

* * *

**Edward POV**

Once I tucked my already snoring fiancée into bed, I kissed her forehead gently and made my way downstairs. Walking up to my still chuckling family, I looked around for the culprit. Jasper. Except, he was gone. Like, disappeared.

"Where'd Jasper go?" I asked warily. They all looked around, my siblings apparently confused.

"I didn't see him leave," said Emmett. We all started wander towards the kitchen, where I saw a photograph on the table.

"Guys, look," We walked over and I picked it up. It was a stunning picture of Rosalie, laughing at whoever was taking the picture. The most disturbing part, though? Was the words **YOU'RE NEXT **scrawled onto the photograph. She silently mouthed the words to herself, then covered her face with her hands. Her high pitched scream of fear filled the air, and even then, Bella _did not_ stop snoring. Oh, when I get my hands on Jasper…

Rosalie was now dry sobbing on the ground, with her arms wrapped around her legs and rocking back and forth. Emmett was on the ground with his arms wrapped around her, trying to sooth her. I wonder what she's thinking…

* * *

**Rosalie POV**

Oh. Dear. God.

Someone save me…………

Please?

**A/N: Again, so sorry. I feel terrible. Thankyou to everyone who reviewed. It truly meant a lot to me, and it kicked my butt into writing this chapter. So thankyou. If anyone has any ideas or comments about my writing, please let me know. Also, please read my story ideas! I need advice…. Once again, SO SORRY!**

**In sadness,**

**Jaspers_Darlin_Girl xoxo**


	8. Preperations

**A/N: So.. Its now been a year since I have updated. And I have no excuse. My brother has leukaemia, so I spend a lot of time at the hospital, and Im in Year 11 so Im pretty busy with school. But that's no excuse and Im so mad with myself for not updating. Im so sorry guys, I really am. But I swear Im not giving up on this story! Its my baby and I have heaps of ideas. **

**So, without further ado, Chapter 8 for you!**

**Emmett POV**

Oh no.

So, here's the thing. My wife has just been threatened by my very own brother. Now, don't get me wrong, if this was a week ago, I would of laughed. Except, it's this week, and after seeing what he is capable of doing, I am worried. Very, worried.

I have brought Rosalie up to our room and I think she could be catatonic. She's just, like, sitting there. Staring at the photograph that was on the kitchen table, silently mouthing the words to herself over and over again. What do I do?

"Um, Rose, give me that," I said warily, and I pull it out of her hands and smash it on the ground. She jumps at the noise, and blinks.

"We're gonna be fine, babe. _Promise._" I told her.

"Emmett, I'm not stupid. Turn around." She says. I frown, confused, and stand and turn just like she asked. She sighs.

"Babe, you forgot to uncross your fingers behind your back." She informs me. Crap.

"Im, like, kidding! Sheesh. Take a joke, will you?" I mutter, quickly uncrossing my fingers and dropping my hand at the side. She glares at me.

"Emmett. I could very well die, tomorrow. And you don't _even care!" _She wailed, throwing herself to the ground and hitting her fists against the ground. I sighed. It was gonna be a _loooong _day.

**Jasper POV**

I laughed out loud at Rosalie's distraught emotions as I ran leisurely away from the house. I had been to visit the art shop and was whistling as I ran. It feels good to be evil.

Im not sure if I should be worried that I just thought this…

I came to a stop in front of a river and jumped 20 feet into the air, landing on a thin branch and climbing like a squirrel to the top of the huge tree. I let a small smile slide onto my face as I took in the sight before. Beautiful.

Well, back to business.

I sat down and made the decision of what I needed Alice to do and within 3 seconds my phone was ringing.

"Hey darlin"

**Alice's POV**

I couldn't help but smile. My husband is pretty incredible at revenge. However, remind me never to get on his bad side. He's, well, to put it bluntly, kinda scary. But I knew they deserved it, sort of.

"Hey Rose!" I yelled from where I was sitting on the lounge, surfing the shopping channels. All I heard was a whimper. I stifled a giggle and rolled my eyes.

"Rosalie! He's not even here! I can see the future, you know, and nothing is going to happen in the next two hours, _at least-"_

I was interrupted by a whip of blond hair and I turned in surprise to see Rosalie, on her knees with her hands clutching the end of my, may I say, _gorgeous, _one of a kind Calvin Klein dress.

"_Alice. _What's he going to do? Please, please, have mercy. Who goes shopping with you, huh? Who buys you whatever, and I mena, _whatever, _you want? Who-"

"Rose, Rose, Rose! Calm your farm, woman. He hasn't made up his mind, and therefore I have nothing to tell you. But listen. I _can _say that nothing is going to happen with the next….hmm, 4 hours. He wouldn't cross me, I have that sale on, remember? And I _told _him that you need to come. So we're good."

"Alice, I don't know…"

"Rosalie! You've been locked in your room for 2 days! Honestly, lady. You're coming with me." She dejectedly agreed and headed back upstairs to get her bag. I allowed myself a small smile. _Jasper, its up to you. _

**Meanwhile….**

**(NO ONES POV)**

Edward Cullen was speeding along the Forks main road after visiting the shops for about 10 packets of painkillers. Bella was, as expected, not in good shape that morning, burning red form embarrassment and bent over the toilet for the majority of the day, only surfacing to moan about her head or beg for Edward to turn her. Half of Edwards reasoning to leave for the shops was to get her some pain relief (Although, at the rate she was going, she was more then likely to bring the medicine back up before it has a chance to make much of a difference) and the other half was that he really, _really _couldn't handle her groaning for much longer.

Sirens slowly became obvious as the police officers crept closer to Edward's vehicle. He didn't even flinch, sure that he could smooth talk his way out of it. Sure enough, the car pulled him up and Charlie stepped out of the car. Edward winced. This could be a _little _more complicated then he originally planned, to be honest he completely forgot that his fiancés father was the chief of police.

Charlie approached the car,

"License and registr- Oh. Its _you._ You do realise you were speeding 60 kilometres over the limit, right Edward?"

"Look, Charlie-"

"Save it Edward. Let me see your license."

Edward sighed and handed over his license without a second glance as a spew of excuses flowed from between his lips. Charlie simply nodded with a scowl etched on his face until his eyes locked onto the license and a confused smirk grew on his face.

"Edward, or should I say, Dracula, would you like to explain to me how you have failed to mention to my daughter, _your fiancé, that your gender is Unknown?"_


	9. A little bit UGLY

**A/N: Woah. Hold up. ANOTHER UPDATE? Im seriously surprised you guys arnt dead form the shock of it. But I promise, I am going to update more. I have ideas! They just hit me today, and I am SO PUMPED for the rest of this story!**

**Well, Im excited about life. You guys? :D And by the way, shoutout to xXFlapjackXx, Bubbly Ami OliviaSt 36 and JustBecca-x. They made me feel better!**

**And, heres Chapter 9!**

**Jaspers POV**

I smiled as Alice's text came through, assuring me that Edward's license had been seen, by Charlie, no less. I honestly didn't even think of Charlie being the one pulling him over! Wish I did though. Love to have the credit for that one.

Perched on the window ledge outside of Carlisle's office, I waited for Emmett to take Bella home. I had heard Edward call Emmett, telling him he had been taken to the police station for false license details and asking him to drop Bella to her house before going to bail him out. I held back a smirk as I saw Emmett carrying a moaning Bella over his shoulder.

"Emmett! Im gonna be siiick.."

And with that Emmett ran at vampire speed towards the door as I cracked up laughing. Rosalie and Alice had left about 20 minutes ago and I knew I had a while before Emmett would convince Charlie to let his son-in-law go. With the rate Alice can shop, I had all the time I needed.

I sauntered into Rosalie and Emmett's bedroom, keeping my eyes securely closed in order to hide my mind from the terror covering the floor surrounding their bed (how many used condoms have you seen in the one place at the one time? Cause Im willing to bet you, if I had opened my eyes, I would of beat yours by a million). I couldn't help but laugh to myself as I smashed her mirror in a way that most humans wouldn't be able too. The mirror looked normal, but with any one touch, it would smash into a million pieces. Oh, Im looking forward to this.

I then made my way into her closet for special items (One of 2 closets, might I add) and grabbed her one of a kind Victorias Secret dress, and unleashed my inner teenage boy. Lets just say, by the time I was finished, the dress was puke green (hey, I already had the paint), was covered in sparkles, and had "Jacob owns these" with two arrows pointing to het, er, _chest area. _For the final touch I super glued some fairy wings to the back, just for the fact that there has been fairy wings just chilling in our hall closet for ages and I have no idea why. I hung the dress neatly back onto its hanger and placed it back in her closet.

After this I set up the old standby, a bucket of mud arranged at the front of her door. Walking to her bathroom, I emptied her strawberry scented shampoo (Im sure she stole it from Bella, but that's a story for another time) down the sink and refilled it with green hair colour, laughing silently to myself. If Rosalie wasn't so obsessed with her appearance revenge would be a lot harder. I quickly wrote a note and hung it on the mirror.

_**Rosy Posy!**_

_**Looooving the new look, its, well, unique. But hey, at least it matches your dress! If you havent seen your dress yet, your in for a surprise!**_

_**Much love,**_

_**The Empath.**_

I wasn't sure which she would see first so I thought I better cover all bases. I was almost finished, but then I took another lingering look towards her everyday closet. So tempting…

**Angela's POV**

"Boys! _Stop it. _Seriously, you cant jump on that!" I love my twin brothers, but they can drive me nuts sometimes. Mum has left me home to baby-sit them, and all I can say is there better be some cold hard cash at the end of this afternoon. I heard a knock on the door and walked towards it, relief that I could leave behind this madhouse for even a second.

"Jasper?"

"Hey, Angela. Look, I know we arnt close, but I need your help. Or rather, the help of your brothers. You interested?"

30 minutes later….

**Jaspers POV**

The boys looked at me with wide eyes. I thrust the paint guns into there awaiting hands and they looked like it was Christmas. Their blood was pumping through their veins, and I-

STOP IT JASPER. KIDS ARE FRIENDS, NOT FOOD.

"Go nuts, boys. You've got ten minutes."

And with that the boys ran into Rosalies closet and went crazy with the paint guns.

To complete Rosalies revenge, I laid a single fortune cookie on her bed. And, taa-daa! Im excited about life.

Well, its time they learnt their lesson.

Never, _Ever, _get an Empath mad.


End file.
